Most men have absolutely no idea how to talk to their wife.
Their wife says, “Talk to me!” and he answers, “What am I supposed to say?” Women develop emotional intimacy through talking. Men don’t know how to do this, because men communicate to solve problems. No problem, no communication.
For women, it’s reversed: No communication, BIG problem.
Women tend to be happiest when they feel useful to the people they love. They also want to feel trusted with inside information about how you’re doing and what your challenges are, again so they can help and be useful. Partner vulnerability indicates huge trust.
This is the part where most men ask, “What the heck is vulnerability? Is that like crying and crap?”
Vulnerability is revealing your weak areas. This terrifies men because we hate weakness, as it lowers our value and social status among other men and exposes us to potential wounding.
Women crave to see weakness so they can be useful by helping their partner grow and shield his weak points.
But women do not respect men who fall apart sobbing about their problems without having a plan to fix them. They respect a man for having a weakness, not for being weak. When I say men need to learn to be vulnerable, they picture being weak.
The best way men can approach this paradox is to state a problem you face. Share the emotion attached to that problem (frustration, sadness). Then explain the solution you’ve already thought of. Next, you ask for her feedback on that solution. This is a crucial formula.
Women DO NOT want men coming to them for all the answers. A man who’s too afraid to think logically and find a solution is NOT attractive. But women’s brains work relationally. They see patterns and tiny connections the hyper-focused male brain may miss.
Sharing your weakness with a woman indicates trust. Sharing your feeling about that problem shows her your thought process and helps her relate to you. Asking her feedback on your solution invites her to be useful to you. Being useful makes her feel secure in the relationship.
If you refuse to do this, to share vulnerability and ask for feedback, you are saying to her:
“I DON’T TRUST YOU, I DON’T TRUST YOUR THINKING, I DON’T NEED YOU, SO I WON’T STAY WITH YOU FOR VERY LONG, I’M LOOKING FOR ANOTHER WOMAN I’LL VALUE MORE.”
This means you’re rejecting her. You don’t trust her to help you or provide useful insight. That means you’re not attached to her, and could leave at any moment. This kills her sex drive.
Following the formula above may INCREASE her sex drive as you develop true emotional intimacy with her through trust and respect. She feels valuable and USEFUL and believes she’s secure because you’ll want to keep her for more than just sex. Emotional intimacy is an aphrodisiac.
If you want a stronger marriage and a better sex life, remember to:
- SHARE YOUR PROBLEM
- STATE YOUR FEELING ABOUT THE PROBLEM
- EXPLAIN YOUR SOLUTION
- ASK FOR FEEDBACK ON YOUR SOLUTION
This is the secret to making your wife feel loved, respected, and useful. It builds emotional intimacy. And that leads to an amped up sex drive like you wouldn’t believe. Your wife will stalk you around the house like a crafty jungle predator.
If you want to turn your wife into the happiest sex leopard out there, start communicating with this formula. Just make sure you’ve done your warmup stretching first.
If you’re looking for more material on relationships, check out my archive of marriage and relationship articles right here.