Most marriage advice is about boring stuff like how to get along better, share your needs, enjoy your spouse, and build a partnership that will last a lifetime.
What if you want to take things in the other direction? It could be that misery is your fetish. Or maybe you just don’t get enough arguing in your life and you want to crank that gasoline fire to maximum.
Today we’re gonna explore all the best ways couples dismantle the core of their relationship and turn even the best marriage into a vicious gladiator battle.
Turn every conversation into a battle
Your partner will never say anything simple. Every statement and every question has a real secret meaning behind it.
“Could you pick up your laundry when you get a chance?” really means “Hey, you disgusting slob. I’m sick of your trashy clothes on my floor. Pick them up or get out.”
“The meal was really great this time” actually means “Your cooking is usually slop, but this was at least fit for humans. Barely.”
To destroy your marriage, you need to look at the worst possible interpretation of everything your partner says. Apply that interpretation and immediately act upon it with the most powerful emotion you can summon up.
If your partner protests or gets upset, BINGO, you found their true meaning! No amount of explaining is gonna help you now, buddy. I know what you really meant. I’ll make you wish you’d never complimented me.
Do this as often as possible so your partner becomes afraid to even speak to you.
Things to avoid:
- Trusting your partner to be honest with their communication
- Explaining about your insecurity so your partner understands why compliments are tough for you to hear
- Asking openly if the comment had any hidden meaning before responding emotionally
Always be on guard against your partner
The truth is that your partner is only with you because they haven’t learned about any of your imperfections yet.
Nevermind that they’ve been with you in every scenario, have seen you at your worst, and have helped you out of struggles in the past. No, your secret anxiety is true: They just haven’t realized your weaknesses yet. They’re really that stupid.
But they might. And every mistake you make, every embarrassing situation, and every fact you don’t know is one step closer to total disaster.
We all know that every marriage is just one conversation away from divorce. And every conversation could be that one.
If you let your partner learn about even one imperfection, your marriage is toast. The same is true if you admit fault for even the smallest mistake. Never ever give your partner the chance to realize who you really are.
Things to avoid:
- Admitting fault in your mistakes so your partner trusts you to be accountable
- Opening up about gaps in your knowledge so you can learn
- Believing your partner is smart enough to actually know who you are by now
Expect your partner to read your mind
Ignore what all the fancy marriage books say. Yes, spouses really do develop the ability to read minds. The problem with your spouse is that they refuse to use their telepathy. They do this because they don’t actually love you.
After all, if they really loved you, they’d know what you need. They’d spend every moment in a state of nervous fear trying desperately to figure out what will make you happy. They’d completely forget everything else in their life to decipher your patchy clues.
So what if your hints are disguised as jokes or random thoughts? If they loved you, they’d be so afraid of losing you that they’d obsess over every joke you made and figure out your secret meaning.
If you have to ask for what you want, then it means NOTHING. After all, if your partner told you what they needed, you’d ONLY do it because you HATE them, right? You’d NEVER be relieved that they told you exactly what to do to help them.
Clear communication is for losers. You’re a winner. That’s why you force your partner to jump through every hoop and read your mind.
Things to avoid:
- Sharing your needs with your spouse to create a true partnership based on mutual fulfillment
- Trusting your partner to fulfill your needs out of love
- Building a mutual fulfillment agreement where you meet their needs in return for them meeting your needs in an open trade where you both win
Don’t ever talk about sex
Great sex should just happen. You don’t need to talk about it. Ew.
There’s only one way to do it right, after all. And if your partner doesn’t know it, that’s their problem. Technique, practice, and shared expectations are just coping mechanisms for people bad at sex.
Face the facts: Your spouse is just bad at sex, they’ll never get better, and you can do nothing but complain to your friends about it. That’s how marriage has survived for ten thousand years.
Likewise, why should you have to talk about what you like in bed? It’s embarrassing. Then they’d start doing the things you like, and it’d be awful. What if you make a weird face because you’re too happy? No, the obvious answer here is to let it stay mediocre.
And so what if it never happens because no one asks for it? You shouldn’t have to ask, it should be obvious! In fact, it should be a REWARD because they love you so much! You did everything right, you cleaned all the dishes and folded all the laundry. Sex should be an automatic no-brainer!
If your spouse doesn’t initiate sex as a reward, it’s because they secretly don’t love you.
They know exactly what you want. They just don’t give it to you because they’re a terrible person. Right?
Things to avoid:
- Discussing turn-ons that help each partner feel aroused including clothing, activities, toys, and emotional intimacy before the act like talking, dates, and holding hands
- Sharing fantasies and desires so each partner gets to enjoy various activities and feel engaged
- Discussing a frequency schedule that fulfills both partners’ needs
Keep a tally of sacrifices you make
Your partner has no idea how much you’ve given up just to stay married to them. Every day is a struggle, but you do it because you have no choice. And that miserable jerk just doesn’t appreciate what you do.
Marriage should definitely feel cold and transactional. You need to keep track of every single nice thing you ever do for them. Stack that pile up against the puny list of things your spouse has ever done for you. Is there even one nice thing? Ha! Not likely.
The saints of old have nothing on your martyrdom. You alone carry the weight of this marriage. And someday your spouse will realize how much you’ve done for them. And it’ll be too late. Yeah, that’ll show them.
Things to avoid:
- Doing kind things for your partner because you love them and want what’s best for them
- Discussing perceived imbalances in a way that’s not accusatory, but educates your partner on what you actually need so they have a chance to do it with some guidance and get it right
- Building a marriage system based on mutual fulfillment through an explicit negotiation of needs
If you do everything on this list, you’re guaranteed a total trash fire of a marriage.
Perfect. Exactly what you want.
If you’re one of those boring people who wants a healthy marriage, and if some of the issues on this list applied to you, check out my book of marriage advice.
And if you want more articles like this one, click here to find my articles on transactional relationships.